Of the dead and gone. (An excerpt from my 2011 diary.)

July 13, 2011.

Breaking up with my boyfriend wasn’t on the cards but it happened and I believe it is for the better but all this bad mouthing going around from his side is making me feel miserable about myself. I feel violated on how I am completely misunderstood. I read all his messages, it felt so great and then I realised if I keep reading them, they will just become a symbol of his betrayal. Everything that was once happy will turn ugly. I don’t want to spoil those memories; I deleted everything, including his number. It felt like something was dead. It felt like a funeral. There is a reason why I don’t like to go to funerals and hospitals. I am at complete lost to say something to a dying person who was a part of my life. I remember the person for how significant he was in my life. I couldn’t muster the courage to go to my best friend's funeral. Somehow even today I can’t see her like that. I can’t even imagine her crumpled state. I can’t come to terms with the fact that she is no more or that she suffered before her death. To me she is the chirpy girl I met on the first day of my Radio Jockey classes, a person who played a role in altering my life in a huge way(introducing me to AIESEC), I just cannot think of her as someone non-existent. The memories are fresh and that is how I want them to be. I miss her today(and always will) for every time I think of her, I want to smile but the void she left in my life is irrepairable. It makes me want to howl. I have apologised a hundred times to someone in the sky hoping that my message would reach her and she will forgive me (for not being able to face reality, for shying away from death). Today, I wish she was here and I could talk to her and tell her how much my heart is crying right now. She wanted to live you know, become a psychology major and we used to joke around saying I would be her first subject but now, a year later, it hurts to think that it’s never going to happen. Jui, my love, every time I think about you, I know you are at a better place. I miss you. I am at an emotional peak today. I haven’t been able to sleep properly since the past three days. That night it was because of the excitement. The next night it was despair when the ex came floating into my thoughts. I don’t want him to be a part of my life anymore. Supriya says, it’s a new beginning for me and she is right.. I want my hard-work to bear fruit so badly that I am crying (figuratively), I am hoping and praying that I get it. It is my biggest dream and I am just a step away from it but it seems distant. For the first time I don’t know how to describe the ardour I feel for this. If I don’t get this I am going to be very disappointed, I may break down and would never be able to dream again. Is it so bad to dream?  Is it wrong to follow your heart? I do not know what the rules are. I just want it. And I want to be great at what I do and be happy. Is that too much to wish for? I have lost a lot of things in life, I have given up at times I shouldn’t have because I wanted to follow my dream. I want to write. I want to show what my interpretation of what cinema is through Cinema. What more should I do to fulfil my dream? I want people to believe in me and not mock me. I want to learn about the depths of the fascinating world of cinema. My dad is not a millionaire; I wasn’t pampered as a child. I can’t afford to go to a direction school. He is the only one who thinks I am not wasting my life. He is proud and happy. I will be happy when I feel “inner peace”.(which will happen when I accomplish my goals, for now). A lot of people believe in making money, I don’t. I don’t have money now and I will never be able to prioritize it. I know I have to earn it and the work I do is the only way. Aman always says this one thing to me, “everybody I know or speak to wants to make money and you are the only one who says you want to earn it and I think it’s the thing that will make you go places.” Amen, is what i told him. 

The ultimate weapon

Pain  How can one define pain? Is it a feeling, or an emition?? Is it a way to let go of your sins or is it just a punishment of your deeds?? I believe pain is the ultimate weapon for he who can inflict pain on you is the most powerful man not because he gave you pain but because he had the option of choosing whether he should do it or he shouldn't do it..  Just like love, pain is understood by someone who has gone through it.. It could be physical pain, trauma, emotional infidelity.. All of it counts as pain. It wakes up something so deep within you that you dont realise how powerful the emotion is till it actually hits you. And when it does, you fill find yourself right at the bottom of the rug... I you have somebody to get you out of it you are a lucky man and if you don't, we'll, you are just screwed! Because no matter how strong a person you are or how strong a person you have been, there will be times when you will buckle under it. Just like we surrender before death. I say pain is more powerful than death because pain can slowly exhaust the living daylight out of you and that never is a good sign.  Actually, you can't justify whether you deserve the pain or no. If it is in the universe, it will happen, the universe identifies it as just an emotion 'pain'.. I wish I had something to add on to how to survive pain but unfortunately I don't. Will have to jut learn everyday. Too bad you weren't there earlier. We could have had a gala time! :)